I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize