Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
