I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
