I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
