My friends, they love my intelligence
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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