I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
