My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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