i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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