Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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