Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
