walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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