Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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