i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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