the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
