why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
it hurts more in the daytime
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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