I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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