I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
