Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
