I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
