Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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