I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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