Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
