Only a mothe r could love this liver
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
false alarm, still single
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