omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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