Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It's shark week go big or go home
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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