The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
