my room smells like sperm. sweet.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
