So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
