Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
