Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
