a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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