So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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