I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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