Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
