I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
it hurts more in the daytime
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
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