thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
