i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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