Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
