genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i will never coherently bang her
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
then he tried to convert me to islam
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
