to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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