I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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