I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
