Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
