I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
