and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
