the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
