I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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