We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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