I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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