i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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