boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
