How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
