When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
me + whiskey = a bad person
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
