I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
