Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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