Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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