I didn't shave. On purpose
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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