So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
