I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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