As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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