chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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